Crafting the Perfect SmallBatchLife for You

   When I first heard the words “You have cancer,” the world stopped. Everything I thought I knew about myself, my body, and my future blurred into uncertainty. I remember the sterile walls of the room, the smell of antiseptic, and the silence that followed the diagnosis. I didn’t know what to ask, who to turn to, or how to begin making sense of it all. I just knew I was afraid.  [As the Dr. and Nurse stared solemnly into my face after seeing the MRI..the room went abruptly silent from them singing a song called “Pieces of April” that used to be popular in the 70's.  How damn ironic that my next choice would be the choice to amputate.  I felt soooooo alone. I was “young” and this only happened to someone else! (how many times has EVERYONE heard that?    

  There were days when the fear swallowed me whole, but there were also flickers of light — a kind nurse who held my hand, a friend who dropped off soup without needing to stay, a "breastie" stranger who hugged me because she was scared of doing radiation and chemo and I hugged her because I was NOT CHOOSING either..we were both “gambling” with our choices; our lives hanging in someone else's hands..... Those small acts became lifelines. But still, there was something missing: the part that gets highly ignored. Someone to say, “I know. Me too. Here’s how I made it through.” And I'm still figuring out after 5 years what and who I am.    

   So now, I offer this: my truth, my scars, and my survival — not as a story of victory, but as a story of becoming.  I finally chose to be ME.  It took leaving behind friends I thought were forever; a habit I could no longer kick; and was making my life hell.  This moment is the accumulation of a lifetime — When I chose to LIVE.  No, it hasn't been easy.  I could have let the cancer consume me- and I almost did.      

I found my strength in unexpected places — my mother being my biggest hero- she grabbed my hand like that mom trying to pull her kid across the street to keep from being hit.  She was with me day in and day out.  I didn't experience cancer the same as others, going very natural without adjunct therapies like radiation, chemo and estrogen blockers etc. An odd form of imposter syndrome developed because I had hair and health. Just because I chose a different route didn't put me out in the pasture as cancer free, though!
  THIS is the gift I wish I had when I needed it: someone to walk with me, even just on the page. If you're reading this in your own season of pain, fear, or healing, let this be your companion. You’re not alone. You are held. And you are stronger than you think.    Because this story isn’t just mine — it’s ours. 

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